Where Has the Time Gone?

December 21st was a couple days ago and it was the 36th year anniversary of the first date I had with the "God given heaven sent love of my life".. aka my husband... and yes.. tomorrow marks the 32nd anniversary of our engagement and this June 30th will be our 32nd wedding anniversary ..whew!!

All that being said, let me get to the point. Once in a while when my love gives me a card he will take the time and effort to calculate out not only the years and months that we have spent together.. but the hours and MINUTES!!! Yes.. as you may be thinking this is rather overwhelming. In the early years when he was still doing it with a pencil and paper I had great admiration for him... and now with modern technology it has become easier for him.. but much more overwhelming for me.

Do you know how many minutes are in 36 years? 18,921,600!!! We're talking Jerry Lewis telethon numbers now! And while I can argue we have not spent every one of those minutes together.. especially in the early years.. I have been committed to him for the 32 years.

Every woman who has ever been in labor knows just how long a minute really is..or has been up with a sick child ... parent or loved one. Now that they have added up on me I look back and ask myself "have I been a good steward with those minutes?" Have I loved well? Have I done all I can to let the man that I committed to all those years ago know just how much he means to me in the hard times as well as in the good? Have I woken up everyday of my life with the purpose in my heart to make his life better?

If I'm truthful ... the answer is shamefully no. But.. I also hold fast to the word that His mercies are new every morning. And when you know better you do better. I know now that I'd rather negotiate the things that are important in love.. with the common bond of wanting what is best than arguing for what I think is right.

I pray that God multiplies our minutes together... so that the next time I am presented with one of these thought provoking cards I can take account of my minutes, hours, days and years and look at the scale of good and bad and see that the good far out way the bad. That goes for the "just mediocre" minutes as well, that they may be moved over to the good.

Have you looked at the scale of your minutes lately? Are you stellar in using each one of being thoughtful of those you love?

A Day of Reflection....

29 years ago today, I was a young 22 year old woman, left alone in a room to labor for 22 hours with my first baby. It was a period of time when there were no drugs offered, just a room, a husband and a clock to watch so you could count the number of hours pass. Looking back I can't say it was anything but overwhelming at best. To become a parent in itself is life changing.. but to go through what we did... well... I'm so glad they've found better ways to do it! :)

Looking back though, I remember when they put that beautiful little bundle in my arms and those big blue eyes looked up at me... all I could think was... 18 years... I'm responsible for this life for 18 years... now that's overwhelming. At the time we were in less than a stable position both financially and spiritually which also contributed to my spike of anxiety.

God had so much in store. We grew together. As a couple and as a family. Now I wonder where those 18 plus years went, and if I could have some of them back :) That little girl has grown to lead and challenge more people than I can count, she loves beyond her herself in so many ways, and yet she's only just begun. I've always said that our ceiling should be our children's floors... and nothing could be more true.

I have never felt more for filled than by being a Mom and a Nana... the challenges, the surprises, the emotional highs and lows...and remembering to enjoy each and every minute... it's what makes my Minutes count....

"Running the Race"

"Running the Race"... if we each had a dollar for every time we heard that said..we could each buy something special! Lately I've been "pondering" what it really means as it tends to rustle my feathers a bit when I hear it. Now that I'm over half way through my "race" I've begun to realize that life is more of a marathon, made up of a combination of many parts rather than a simple start and finish with a lot of running in the middle. When I picture "running the race" I see a hamster running on a wheel with no beginning and no end but running as fast as he can to hopefully get somewhere... and get there in a hurry... which when I look around at some of the humans I encounter I see and sense the same feeling. They're really not sure of where they are going but they are determined to get there the fastest way possible and at any expense.

We all know that it's appointed to all of us to be born and to die... the beginning and the end.. but how we fill the middle..we have choices. Hopefully we choose the right coach and the right trainer. There are times we are asked to run a relay, we run as fast as we can for a short distance and hand the baton off to someone else. There are other time we are running or jogging or even hiking through the deep woods like cross country, it can be lonely and hilly and filled with pot holes and if we don't have our compass set on true north we could easily loose our way. Other times we run long distances on smooth surfaces and see the end in front of us but we still have to watch our footing and stay in our lane.

Other times I believe we are asked to sit awhile and train to get ready for our next course of action. If we were just continually running without this time of resting and reflection we wouldn't learn from the past or gain the skills we need for the next leg of the journey.

I believe we can run a good race.. but I also believe that our race is not the wheel that the hamster finds himself on. I believe that our Father sets us on a course appropriate for our time and place in life and provides us with the needed skills to complete the task as long as we stop and take in the lessons He desires us to learn. What race are you running? Do you have the training needed to complete it?

Does a minute spent reaching out really matter?

Today I was woken up by a special ring on my cell phone...one designated just for my "little buddy" as I like to call her.. my 6 and a half year old grandaughter. Surprisingly as a woman that ring does not bring any of the usual things that some other rings do when I hear them at early or late hours.. I don't think "oh no what has happened... ".. instantly my heart beats a little faster, but with incredible joy! Why? Because I know there's going to be a voice on the other end that loves me unconditionally, as I do her, and is going to want to share something with me... and it doesn't really matter to me how big or small it is.

Since moving these 2000 miles away from her I treasure each and every time I see or hear from her. I plan the times I can call her, write her, or even see her. When she calls or writes me? Over the moon... yes.. I'll admit it.. over the moon.

Makes me think.. have I given that same joy and thrill to others in my life? Have I taken the time to call, write, listen, reach out to make their life a little more joyful? I read scriptures about how God created us for fellowship.. how He longs for us to reach out to Him to share with Him...

If we want to be real about life.. we only have so many minutes, hours.. days.. I want to spend them creating joy and life... how about you?

A little drop makes a big ripple....

I was sitting with the "God given heaven sent love of my life" last nite outside, during the "sacred hour"... sunset.. and "reflecting" on various things.. as we tend to do.. when it started to sprinkle. As we were sitting by our extremely calm and still pool...really nothing was moving.. one and I mean just one tiny drop made it's way down into the pool... to my amazement there was a "reaction" in every part of that pool from one end to other. Of course we've all studied science and realize to every reaction there is an equal action or reaction to it.. but for some reason God spoke to me in this simple act and I just can't get it out of my head or heart.

It became so clear to me that no matter what we do each day, no matter how big or small, positive or negative, we are that drop.. just like in the water.. close to us there is a bigger ripple.. but then those ripples bring more ripples.. yes they lessen.. but non the less there is still a ripple. We have affected the universe around us.

Over the last forty eight hours I have been working through some things that are not really news to me but has in some ways brought clarity to situations that I have always wondered about regarding long standing family issues. Like anything when these things happen I try to take time to ponder and really let myself feel the emotions associated with the things that I have learned.. and after I get past the initial "emotional" shock of the reality, I try to learn from it, see if there is anything that I can change to help the situation or where God would have me "settle" with it in a healthy way so that I can go on and live in peace.

I found it so interesting that after this had happened not even 24 hours later.. God showed me the drop in the pool.. and spoke so clearly.. what a little drop does.. it causes ripples.. and those ripples can be good or bad.. and the far end of the pool doesn't even realize where the ripple originated from.. yet it's stillness was still affected. Thus someones life.. be it younger generations or people further outside the original circle of influence can be affected and not even know the original cause or reason. Yet still their ordinary still life was moved to ripple, by the drop.. the action.

So the lesson for me was.. really think before I act.. as the ripple is long acting and far beyond what I can see or fix. So Lord.. let my actions be fitting to your expections and be pleasing to your eyes, and please let my minutes matter... :)

My Minutes have not been My Minutes....

Wow... November is here!! Where did October go?? Last I wrote my little buddy was starting her new life.. and I spent a few days getting myself together and realizing life as I knew it was going to be different but as with anything.. I would shed a few tears.. have a few "moments" and pick myself up and get on with whatever was next on God's list of "to do's" for me.

So.. on Sept 7th it was Labor Day and the house was full of fun and laughter. The girls called and wanted to invite some of their friends over for a movie day, as we have the big wide screen and the dark basement with the cozy furniture.. it makes for a fun place to come and have a "get a way day". I love to have those days..even though I was still in tons of pain from my back and didn't participate in the viewing just having them near and hearing them laugh and giggle and seeing them as they stopped by ever so often as they were on their way to the bathroom or something it just makes a Mom feel good.

Then came Tuesday Sept 8th. Bright and early we were up and on our way to the hospital for the long awaited surgery to correct the incredible and never ending nerve pain in my lower back. Thrilled that we were getting in before the projected date of November 8th, yet still having all the questions that one has before going in for a major surgery such as that.

Yet.. it all went like clock work, both surgeons were having a good day, as was the anesthesiologist.. always like to make sure of that when they come to give me my "last rights" as I like to call it..because frankly if they've had a bad night's sleep or a miserable Labor day weekend.. I want to make sure to do whatever I can to get them happy before we start with the putting to sleep and the cutting me open part if you now what i mean. Just a personal preference with me I guess! :)

So.. we got through that and the five days after in the hospital.. which I could tell you oh so many incredibly sad and funny stories.. but let's just say I'm saving those for the book my Mother feels I should write someday.. only to get out and home for a day or two and realize that something is just not right. I make a call to the vascular surgeon who took care of the front incision which was the way they chose to get to my back.. and by the next day I was being rushed back in to the hospital only to sit and wait 6 hours for a CT to find that I had developed a huge hematoma! The wait? Oh yeah.. it was due to the fact that they were waiting for the results of my "pregnancy" test.. yes you read it right .. my pregnancy test.. after waiting all that time for a test that I was "rushed" there to have so they could have drained or helped the situation.. I finally found someone to ask what the hold up was and when they told me I had to laugh.. what else could I do.. as I had been interviewed by three different people in order to be admitted back in to a place that I just got discharged from not more than 3 days ago and had to give them the same history that I know was probably in my chart from the other 11 times I've been in there... but let's just say counting the times that day I gave them my past... I had a hysterectomy in 2000!!! What part of that couldn't they get?? Ohhhhh the nurse said when I told her and the big light bulb in the sky went on.... she said really??? to which I'm thinking... who would make this up??

So.. once that got cleared up and I got to drink all the lovely juice it was well after 9:00pm... we'd started this adventure at 11;00am... so for this I say.. my minutes are not my own. Wait till you hear the "rest of the story"!!!

Memorable Minutes....

It's not like I didn't know it was coming.. in fact everyday I had a count down.. and I even thought I was well prepared.. but something happened.. the moment her Dad came to get her for the last time... it was the usual routine.. with the exception of me taking pictures which they all thought was a bit ridiculous.. but I might start scrap booking again :)... they loaded in the car.. I watched them drive down the street.. I waved with the usual sign for "I love you".. we both smiled... I came inside and closed the door and all of a sudden... my heart was in my throat.. my stomach had turned inside out.. the car wasn't taking her to another country.. we'll see her on school holidays.. and on scheduled visits on weekends.. but.. it will never be the same.

For the last 5 and half years Dick and I have cared for our granddaughter as needed when her parents worked. They would drop her off early in the morning in her pj's or her car seat when she was little, or when she and her Mom lived here for a couple of years she would just bound down the hallway when she woke up. She'd crawl in bed with us, we'd fix her toast, she'd eat it in a certain way in a certain spot, give each crust to Max... push the crumbs to Papa's side for him to find later.. then snuggle down with us to watch a movie that she'd thought about and planned on all nite in the later years. In the younger years Papa would have to do a commercial for each one at the end of the bed in order for her to choose.

On Pre K school days last year it was different, she'd eat her breakfast and then brush her teeth, come and get her hair brushed, get her special "Nana kiss" on the back of the neck when it was all done..and a little snuggle..and off she'd go with Papa and Max to school. Tuesday's were different because Papa worked so Nana would take her.. which was special because Nana made "excellent toast" :).

When you're with the ones you love it's not so much what you do it's the fact you're with the ones you love and you know those times are precious and oh so few. I know mothers all over the country are going through the same thing sending their little ones to Kindergarten. It's a right of passage. Pre K was different.. you could take them... drop them off..see their friends each day.. their teacher.. survey the situation.. and you knew you'd be back in 2.5 hours. Then she and Papa would most likely have errands to run with Max.. her playmate. On special days she'd talk her Papa into Mc Donald's and then come home and watch a movie while eating it...he loved every minute of it! He'd always comment on how warm her little hands were while walking in holding hands on those freezing winter days.

Now.. she's going to be off on her own. Not only have she and her Mommy moved across town to live with her Mommy's husband... which is normal and we are happy for them.. but now she's going full time too!! She'll have a step brother to play with, more kids to play with .. all wonderful things.

So.. you see in these short 3 hours I've come to realize I'm not sad for me... though it may sound like that...but rather excited for her new life... and excited for all that she has in front of her. It's just another rite of passage.. I lived through it with my kids.. and I'll live through it with my grand kids. I'm thankfull for all the time that I got to have with her, though my heart hurts now.. I've come to understand that rather than suppress it.. I've learned it's better to set a time aside time to just "go with it".. that's right.. just be sad.. feel the emotions.. remember all the happiness and think about how much I'm going to miss her smile in the morning and how happy she made me on my hardest days. Because then I can go on... to whatever God has for me next... and no matter what no one can take those memories away from me!! :)